I found myself recently talking to a group of Harvard students at the end of a daylong conference, trying to persuade them to become intentional about their communications. You might think that I was preaching to the choir – surely Harvard students are intentional about their communications, if anyone is – but I found the same basic surprise in the eyes of this audience that I do with most groups I talk to.

The reason is that while most of us think we’re intentional about our communications, we’re actually rarely so. The reason is that we spend a lot of time thinking consciously about what we’re trying to say, but we don’t often spend much time thinking about how we’re going to say it.

Every communication is two conversations, the content and the body language. We obsess about the first with our conscious minds and leave the second largely to chance and the workings of our unconscious minds. The result is, all too often, mistakes of communication – unintentional mistakes.

For example, we walk into an important meeting determined to persuade everyone there that a certain course of action is necessary to avert disaster. But because we haven’t bothered to be very vocal with this group before, we don’t know how to dominate the conversation effectively, and we fail to carry the day. Our passion for the subject comes across as clumsy because we don’t have the background relationship set.

Or, we’re nervous going into a job interview, and we manage to convey fear to the potential employer rather than the enthusiasm and confidence we genuinely feel for the job. So we don’t get it.

Or, again, our anger gets the better of us in a regular weekly meeting, causing us to strain relations with the head of another department and leading to the early death of a joint project that had been going well. I actually wanted the project to continue but in the heat of the moment the department head did that thing that he always does, cutting me off in that way that feels dismissive, and my temper got the better of me.

In each of these situations, our conscious intention is subverted or overturned by the unconscious communication through body language of underlying emotions. We may either be aware of the emotion, as is mostly likely in the second and third cases, or unaware, as in the first.

But in each case, we’re not fully intentional, even though we wish to be. What gets in the way? We’re hard-wired to think a good deal consciously about what we’re going to say, and hardly at all about the unconscious accompaniment – our intentions – to that mental script, how we say it.

But asking people to become intentional or even first aware of their unconscious attitudes is asking a great deal. Pulling up your emotional script is hard work and at first will seem to make unpleasant symptoms worse. In other words, if you’re nervous about that job interview, focusing on the nervousness may seem to exacerbate it – hardly the desired outcome.

But I appealed to the self-interest of Harvard students, as I do to all audiences on this subject. Wouldn’t it be better to come across as focused, clear, and charismatic in your communications rather than having your words and your actions say two different things? The effect of aligned, fully present, emotionally focused communication is often profound, and always optimal. You may not carry the day, but you will be sure to get a hearing, and people will know where you stand. The alternative is to tell two different stories with your content and body language, making yourself your worst enemy and almost guaranteeing that you won’t succeed.

Which makes more sense to you? It’s hard work to master your unconscious communications, but the result is worth the effort. And it’s not just Harvard students that want to change the world. You can’t expect to carry the day if you leave the most important part of your communication to chance – or to the unaddressed fears and distorted memories of your unconscious mind.

Take charge of your communications. The hard work of becoming intentional is the price you pay for being an agent of change – and the first measure of your success.