The educational field, like many others, can fall victim to its own jargon.  This is a particular problem for elevator pitches, because you have to grab your audience in a short time, and words that the audience doesn’t understand won’t help.  Let’s look at 4 elevator pitches in the education world that wrestle with this problem.

1.  I help you stay ahead of the workplace learning curve through customized learning events to improve supervision, communication, and leadership skills.

Katrina, the problem with this elevator pitch is that the educational jargon – “workplace learning curve”; “customized learning events” may mean something to you but really don’t convey much to the average person.  Give us a statistic or an arresting fact that captures the idea of the workplace learning curve rather than just asserting it.  Tell us about a particular customized learning event and maybe we’ll get the idea a little better.  You can still do this in a phrase or two.  Also, I would recommend narrowing the “supervision, communication, and leadership skills” net you’re casting.  What’s the difference between supervision and leadership, exactly?  And isn’t communication a leadership skill?  Is what you’re really talking about leadership?  You could say something like “leadership at all levels of the organization” and it would be stronger. 

Avoid the jargon and get specific. 

2.  Did you know that the education system is designed to leave children behind and that we teachers can simply fail students we feel are too much bother….and that it doesn't have to be that way?

Kevin, the problem here is that I don’t know what you do.  You state the problem well enough, but your solution is too vague.  Are you a teacher?  A school?  A method?  What are you offering? 

Get specific about what you’re offering. 

3.  Does your child's teacher even know their name? Does their school just seem to(o) big? Our school is a community that strives to build relationships with students, from the classrooms to the athletic fields. Critical thinking anchors our curriculum as teachers and students collaboratively engage in asking the tough questions. We invite you to visit for the day and experience the benefits of an education focused on the student.

Andrew, with this one I get the idea.  My only complaint here is that there is too much jargon and a lot of unnecessary words.  But with a little pruning, you get a great elevator pitch:

Does your child's teacher even know her name? Our school is a community that connects with students, from the classrooms to the athletic fields.  We get teachers and students working together asking tough questions.  Visit us for the day and see the benefits of an education focused completely on your child. 

Cut the jargon and bring the pitch to life. 

4.  Are you stuck in the "running but not moving" paradigm as it relates to your career? Or are you looking for an easier way to land the job you've always wanted? TAG helps you accelerate your career potential by matching you with well-placed mentors that are paid to help you succeed.

Jon, again, too much jargon.  Words like ‘paradigm’ and phrases like ‘career potential’ are off-putting.  But the basics here are strong.  A quick edit gives you this:

Is your career stuck?  Do you want help landing the job you’ve always wanted?  The Ascendance Group helps you get your career moving by matching you with well-placed mentors that are paid to help you succeed.