I sent out a tweet yesterday noting that when you shake someone’s hand you can learn a good deal about him or her by watching the other hand – the unshaken one. The response was perhaps not surprising – everyone wanted specifics. One very concerned gentleman wanted to know how you could possibly shake hands, make eye contact, and also watch the other hand – no doubt while remembering the person’s name at the same time.
It’s a lot to do, sure. But no, it’s not impossible. Grab the person’s hand, give it a firm squeeze (but not too firm) and look him/her in the eye. For about 2 or 3 seconds. Then, check out the other hand. A quick glance should suffice. Let’s not make this too difficult. It’s not.
What can you learn from the other hand? A surprising amount. It can either be closed or open, hidden or visible. Look for the more extreme forms of behavior for more significant clues. And remember that all body language is multi-determined, so it needs to be checked against other sources of information, other impressions, and subsequent messages given and taken.
An open hand is good; a clenched hand may be a warning sign of some tension, or a hidden agenda. If the other hand is hidden, that may be a sign of concealment of some issue or feeling – or it may just indicate shyness. Again, you need to check any hints you get against other sources of information about the person.
The most neutral position – and the one you should adopt yourself if you want to show up in the best possible light – is open, relaxed, and at your side. If you want to be particularly welcoming, point your palm toward the other person, while keeping your hand open, relaxed and at your side. Sound complicated? It’s not; try it. It’s surprisingly easy to make automatic.
The point is that your hands talk, as does your whole body, even while you’re engaged in routine behavior like shaking someone’s hand. Keep an eye out for tell-tale clues away from the shaking hand, and you’ll be surprised at how often you learn something interesting. I talk more about this in my new book, Trust Me: Four Steps to Authenticity and Charisma, for those who want to become more expert in reading others' body language.
Thanks for the post, Nick. Interesting ideas. I have never, ever noticed the other hand while shaking. I will certainly be looking at it the next couple of times. I do have to say – given the ‘it depends’ kind of caveats mentioned in the article, and the need to notice so much else in the non-verbal context of the shake, I don’t foresee it becoming a priority over eye-contact, smile, and other upper body NV signs. But it is something that I will first have to test before assuming a conclusive position. Thanks for bringing it into my awareness!
BTW, as a strong, independent business woman with a very egalitarian bend in gender relations, I am perhaps hyper-sensitive to hand shakes. I detest ‘jelly’ hand shakes or ‘lady’ ones. I probably shake hands more firmly than I should to overcompensate for my preconceived expectations that the other party either assumes I shake ‘like a girl’ or that they should shake my hand differently due to my gender. It is a pretty strong pet-peeve I’ve developed, so you hit on a nerve with me by discussing it. Anyway – I’m off to shake some hands. Cheers! :)
Thanks for the post, Nick. Interesting ideas. I have never, ever noticed the other hand while shaking. I will certainly be looking at it the next couple of times. I do have to say – given the ‘it depends’ kind of caveats mentioned in the article, and the need to notice so much else in the non-verbal context of the shake, I don’t foresee it becoming a priority over eye-contact, smile, and other upper body NV signs. But it is something that I will first have to test before assuming a conclusive position. Thanks for bringing it into my awareness!
BTW, as a strong, independent business woman with a very egalitarian bend in gender relations, I am perhaps hyper-sensitive to hand shakes. I detest ‘jelly’ hand shakes or ‘lady’ ones. I probably shake hands more firmly than I should to overcompensate for my preconceived expectations that the other party either assumes I shake ‘like a girl’ or that they should shake my hand differently due to my gender. It is a pretty strong pet-peeve I’ve developed, so you hit on a nerve with me by discussing it. Anyway – I’m off to shake some hands. Cheers! :)
Hi, Halelly — thanks for the great comments. It is a lot of work when you’re meeting someone to do all the polite things AND decode body language at the same time. But for most people, the reason it’s hard is that it’s a self-conscious activity. The secret is to forget about yourself and focus on really meeting the other person — being fully ‘present’ to that new face, and all the rest of it.
Hi, Halelly — thanks for the great comments. It is a lot of work when you’re meeting someone to do all the polite things AND decode body language at the same time. But for most people, the reason it’s hard is that it’s a self-conscious activity. The secret is to forget about yourself and focus on really meeting the other person — being fully ‘present’ to that new face, and all the rest of it.