As a nation, and a world, we’ve all pretty much stopped listening to one another.  We’ve separated into tribes, and we demonize the other tribes as devoid of reason, humanity, and good sense.  Social media is of course the carrier of this epidemic, if not actually the cause.  But the deeper reason is that we live in a half-virtual, half-face-to-face world now, and that has changed the nature of our relationships, as I found doing the research for my recent book, Can You Hear Me?  How to Connect with People in a Virtual World.

Underlying this lack of listening lurks a speeded-up world that has turned us into skimmers and all-too-rapid consumers of the huge amount of information we have to get through every day.  And so we tend to choose information that confirms our biases and reinforces our tribal allegiances.  Anything else takes too long and too much work. 

More than that, it’s a frightened, angry, anxiety-driven world that means that we don’t have the emotional capacity to take on more of other people’s problems.  Our own problems are too intense, too real to us, and too far down Maslow’s hierarchy for anyone else’s to compete.  Will I still have my job?  How can I pay my mortgage?  Are my kids staying out of trouble? 

For all these reasons, it’s easier not to listen to each other.  As a result, real connection is rare.  The further result is an epidemic of fake listening.  It’s the kind of listening that really means the other parties are just thinking up what they’re going to say next, if they’re on the same conversational planet at all.

Here’s a quick primer on what to look for in other people’s body language to determine whether they are actually listening to you – that nearly extinct phenomenon – or the far more likely pretend listening.  The eye contact is too fixed, and too still.  He holds his head very still, as if to show that he’s really focused on you.  Or she smiles too brightly, holding the smile too long.  A real conversation is full of anticipatory nods and hand-offs of eye contact in order to allow smooth conversational Ping-pong.  It’s relaxed and synchronized.  Fake listening feels very different from that.  It’s tense rather than fluid, abrupt rather than smooth, hyped rather than natural. 

And that’s just the face.  Watch the rest of the body.  Is she turning away from you?  Is he tapping his fingers?  Is she pointing her feet toward the door?  Is the other party in constant motion, in fact, never quite coming to rest during the conversation?  These are all signs of Connection Deficit Syndrome.  

We have a slow food movement.  Let’s start a slow listening movement. Let’s take the time to connect with other people by being truly present.  Begin by letting your own mind go quiet, and instead of chattering away to yourself – or planning your escape – focus on the other person with the intent to drink them in fully and completely.  Next learn to listen with your whole body.  Put all of your fidgets, postures, and grimaces at the service of presence.  Don’t anticipate, simply listen.  Take advantage of every face-to-face moment by allowing the other person to enter into your world without agenda, predisposition, or planned retaliatory responses.  It’s time to get back to doing what we humans do best:  use our empathy to form bonds with our fellow human beings.