Before Riaz Meghji became a thought leader, speaker, and author of Every Conversation Counts, he was the host, for 17 years, of Citytv’s Breakfast Television, CTV News, TEDxVancouver, and MTV Canada.  As such, he’s interviewed thousands of celebrities and experts about human connection and collaboration.  So it’s doubly fun for me to turn the tables on Riaz and interview him about his new book, out today, Every Conversation Counts: The Five Habits of Human Connection that Build Extraordinary Relationships.

Nick: You say there was an epidemic of loneliness before the pandemic — how bad was it — already?  

Riaz:  Over the past few years, the loneliness epidemic has been a major challenge with significant implications. Cigna research at the beginning of 2020, showed that 3 in 5 American adults reported they are lonely. Generation Z (ages 18-22) is the loneliest generation and, no surprise here, heavy social media users were more likely to feel alone and isolated given the culture of comparison with ‘personal highlight reel’ type shares that are posted and consumed daily.

The consequences of loneliness have impacted us personally and professionally. Lonely workers are less engaged, have lower productivity and are more likely to miss work due to illness and stress. Loneliness can potentially increase your health risk as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It’s a problem and we need to address it.

Nick: And how has the pandemic changed things?

Riaz:  Isolation became our universal commonality during the pandemic and our struggles with loneliness accelerated. While virtual media have created the opportunity for us to connect with more frequency and ease, the subtleties we once took for granted – hugs and handshakes, watercooler conversations, and the value of simply being in each other’s physical presence – have all been a great reminder that meaningful human connection, isn’t an option, it’s a necessity.

Perhaps a key change and silver lining from the pandemic is that we transitioned from the potential embarrassment of not ‘having anyone to talk to’, to being more open about expressing our feelings of disconnection and finding ways to work through it.

Nick: What kind of strain has all this isolation put on our family units, now that so many are working, schooling, parenting, and so on from home?

Riaz:  Boundaries between work and homelife disintegrated. One of the biggest driving factors of loneliness has been a lack of work-life balance. For those with families, this was fully exposed as we all had to adapt to remote work setups, while being a parent and answering emails and trying to keep our sanity.

I believe that once we safely get past the pandemic, the conversation will shift more to the mental health impact of experiencing life in isolation for this amount of time. Burnout, anxiety, job stress, all have a compound effect and we have yet to discover the full impact.

Nick:  What are a few things we can do to make conversations count during the pandemic — and after?

Riaz:  Here are three approaches that can instantly help you deepen your connections:

Be Assertively Empathetic

The past year has been polarizing on many levels. Now more than ever, we can benefit from approaching each other with assertive empathy. That is, relationship first, logic second. This involves listening. And I mean listening with authentic wonder, instead of thinking of your next witty comeback. Acknowledge someone’s point of view, especially when you disagree with them. If you find yourself thinking ‘here we go again’, you’ve closed yourself off. Stay open, allow their voice to be heard and recap their perspective to confirm you have understood them.

Next, bring in the logic and focus on what you can agree on. By discovering your common goal together, you can create an ‘us versus the problem’ dynamic instead of ‘me versus you’.

Ask Questions that Elicit Positive Emotion

Break out of autopilot mode in your communication and lead with intentional and authentic curiosity. In addition to asking, ‘how are you?’ or ‘how is everyone?’, start your conversations or meetings in creative ways that elicit more positive emotion.

For example, you could ask ‘what’s the best thing you learned this week?’ or ‘what are you most grateful for right now? A common question I have been asked during the pandemic is ‘how are you holding up?’ What if we flipped that to ‘what are you doing to take care of yourself right now?’ This positive focus can be much more empowering.

Explore the Happiness Hat-trick 

Can you tell I’m from Canada? The late Gordon Livingston had a powerful three-point approach to connection where he discovered the happiest people had something to do, someone to love and something to look forward to. If you find yourself talking with someone you want to make a deeper connection with, explore these areas and watch them light up.

Nick:  Two greats from Canada!  Riaz and Gordon Livingston! So tell us about Riaz.  What makes you tick?

Riaz:  Reflective questions. Courageous reveals. Consistent connection.

Having interviewed people for a living for almost two decades, I love living with a beginner’s mindset and learning from an open and honest conversation. I believe the pandemic is the catalyst that reminded us about the value of putting perfection aside and ‘going first’ by sharing what’s really going on in our lives. We have an opportunity right now to connect in deeper ways than we’ve ever experienced. If you take a close look at the people around you, they may need you more than you think.

Nick:  Thanks, Riaz! Congratulations and good luck with the book. It seems like one we need now!