Now that many organizations here in the US are going back to the workplace, even as some are deciding that ‘work from anywhere’ is the new mantra, our unconscious minds are going to get back to work too, in ways that they haven’t really evolved to do virtually.  That means our minds are going to be asking questions of the people that we meet face-to-face, unconsciously and with incredible speed.

And the answers those questions receive are durable.  They can be overturned, but it’s not easy and it takes quite a long time, relatively speaking.  So, if you are meeting new colleagues, or addressing an audience of familiar and unfamiliar faces, it’s time to think about four of these questions and decide to enhance your chances of getting the right answer.

What are the four questions?  Our unconscious minds want to know:  is this person friend or foe?  Is this person powerful or subservient?  Is this person a potential mate or not?  And, is this person going to be a good colleague (a member of my tribe) or not?  Let’s look at each of these questions in a bit more detail.

Friend or Foe?

Friend or foe is the most basic question we ask of the people we meet, and for straightforward survival reasons.  Will this person attack us or not, might be another way to put it.  When I trained some Special Ops soldiers in body language before their deployment to an undisclosed (to me) location, the question they had on their minds was, will the head person offer us coffee or an AK-47?  We ask this of all people that we meet in the slightly less-charged setting of an office.  We don’t expect to be attacked, at least not physically, but we do want to know how friendly the new person is going to be.

Powerful or Subservient?

It’s astonishing to me how quickly people in a work setting sort out their power dynamics.  We award or assert power according to all sorts of unconscious assumptions and reactions.  The key word is ‘unconscious’ and it means speed, and bias, in addition to things like expertise and the body language of authority.  I don’t have the space here to go into all the elements of this determination, but the short version is that expectations, posture, and voice are all key variables.  For more on what constitutes the assertion of power, read my book Power Cues. 

Mate or Not? 

This is a potentially awkward question in the modern workplace, but people can’t help reacting to each other unconsciously as potential romantic partners.  What they choose to do about attraction, whether it’s mutual or not, is a next-order question, and well within the realm of human agency and choice.

Colleague (my Tribe) or Not?

This question, along with the power question, are perhaps the two most important for the early days of a new hire.  How hard is it for the new person to fit in?  Well, if the existing team is closed to outsiders, then it can be very hard.  Hazing newcomers can either be a way of inducting them into important tribal concerns, or it can be a harmful, even destructive form of tribal self-protection.

Examining your own unconscious biases (and those of your team) is an important first step in understanding what a new hire or new transplant’s experience is likely to be like.  And it can help you to understand your own reactions if you are new to a team, or simply newly returned to the workplace.

Ask yourself, how open am I to new people?  How hierarchical am I?  Where am I in the dating game?  And how do I feel about expanding (or joining) a team? The answers to these questions can form the beginning of a useful journey toward understanding and controlling your unconscious reactions to newcomers and newly returned colleagues.