Among the many common misunderstandings about body language is a very basic one: the real purpose of eye contact. We humans, especially in the West, are obsessed with eye contact. Getting it right is considered essential to good working and personal relationships. People who fail in this draconian test are considered problematic. They get called shifty-eyed, or untrustworthy, or evasive. We are advised not to bank with them, or give them our passwords.
On the contrary, we are told that a firm handshake and limpet-like eye contact are the basic necessities of a career as a salesperson, or an executive, or a politician. Fix your eyes on your interlocutor, we are told, and don’t look away. That’s how you demonstrate your commitment to the conversation and your trustworthiness in the relationship.
There’s a follow up bit of coaching which goes something like this: of course, you don’t want to stare too long, so do look away at some point before things get uncomfortable.
This advice makes me want to cringe and look down at the floor. How can you know when it’s time to look away? Especially if you are just starting out in your career or relationships. What is uncomfortable – and is your level of discomfort the same as mine, or different?
It’s all wrong because it misunderstands the purpose of eye contact. What really happens when we humans lock eyes is that we synchronize our thinking. We connect. We communicate. Trust may develop out of all that synchronization, or it may already be established, but the primary purpose of eye contact is to promote mutual comprehension. Our brains align (if we are upright, honest humans).
We then look away in a conversation to think about what has just been communicated. Both activities are essential for real human communication. I need to synchronize with you in order to exchange information, and I need to think about that information in order to process it, agree with it, argue with it, respond to it, and so on.
So the polarity of eyes connecting and then breaking away is essential for human communication and connection. If I just make eye contact, then I am not thinking hard enough about what you are saying. And if I just look away, I’m not tracking you closely enough. Human connection requires both.
One of the potential issues in this eye dance is that different people need to have different amounts of connecting versus processing, depending on the context and the personalities involved. There is no clear rule about how much eye contact is right. If someone is shocked or surprised by the news you are imparting, then they might need more time to process what you’ve told them. If they are introverted, they might need more time to process what you’ve told them. If they’re having a busy day, they might need more time to process what you told them. Every discussion is potentially different, requiring differing amounts of synchronization and processing.
Eye contact is essential for good human communication, but not in the way we’ve been taught. When my eyes are locked on yours, I’m not thinking about what you are saying; rather, I’m taking it in. I’m listening. And listening is a very good thing to do. But it is not the whole elephant. Let’s be more flexible and more intelligent in how we think about eye contact, and give our communicants the space they need to communicate in a way that works best for them, and us.
Does eye contact work the same way on Zoom?
No, it doesn’t. Eye contact is really problematic on Zoom (video conferencing) because the line of your eye and your camera don’t usually coincide. So if you look into the camera directly, you may appear to be making eye contact, but you may not. And if you look at the other people, you almost certainly will appear to be looking off camera. Your best bet is a glass-half-empty solution: stare at the camera while other people are talking, and then let your eyes go from camera to “other people” in an attempt at a natural conversation when you are talking. There are other issues associated with eye contact on video conferencing, and various fixes of a technological nature have been attempted. Maybe I should do another post just on that.
I would love that post!!
Thank you so much, Nick. Beautiful explanation. Thank you for the clarity and the soul in your message.
Thank you, Maria!
Hello Dr. Nick Morgan, my sincere thanks.
You always sharing your great knowledge on the subject of communication and lectures.
Dr. Nick, taking a frase from your post:
. . .If I just make eye contact, then I am not thinking hard enough about what you are saying. .
I will make the following additions, which I believe are very important, in order to complement the idea surrounding this statement:
01-Make eye contact and shake your head from top to bottom, about 3 times slowly.
It is a universal sign of agreement, an innate movement of human beings.
Even those born blind practice it without anyone ever needing to teach them.
This movement is called acquiescence
02-Move the chest a little forward as a sign of involvement with the person who is exposing the subject.
Moving the chest backwards, in turn, in contradiction, denotes the person demonstrating opposition to what is being discussed.
03-And without a doubt, all this followed by the Rapport technique
04-And repeating the person’s name a few times, so that they also feel attracted to those who listen to them.
Dr. Nick a big hug from your assiduous reader!
@elazierbarbosa – From Brazil – City São Paulo
Thank you, as always, Elazier, for your thoughtful commentary!