Human communication is difficult at best.  We don’t hear each other perfectly in a noisy, fast-paced world, we don’t listen thoroughly to each other, and perhaps most importantly, we are not as good at decoding intent – which we do largely through the attitude we think is expressed in each other’s body language – as we think we are.  Add to that a polarized political world, endless tensions within cultures about attitudes, tribes, and positions, and it’s amazing anything gets through to anyone.

What we care most about, most of the time, is intent.  I want to know what you mean when you say to me, “Nice job, Nick.”  Are you being sincere?  Are you being sarcastic?  Are you merely being polite?  There are many possible shades of meaning in those several simple words.  And I may have more or less at stake in your intent.  If you are my boss, then I might need your approval, and might care about it more than the approval of one of my colleagues.

To know what you are actually saying, I will listen to your tone of voice, watch your face and hands, and check out whether you are leaning toward me or away from me.  I get incredibly rich signals from you directly into my unconscious mind from yours.  They are exchanged faster than conscious thought, and are ready for me, underlying my conscious awareness, by the time I’ve processed the actual words.

Roughly two-thirds of the time, if I receive your words “Nice job, Nick!” through a text or an email, I’m going to guess that your intent is hostile.  When I tell people that, they are shocked.  They’re thinking, how could you be so stupid?  But the real reason is that I haven’t received all those rich signals of intent in my unconscious mind.  It’s left thinking, you haven’t told me that you are being sincere.  Hence, there’s a chance you might be sarcastic, and my brain wants to be ready for that possibility since it’s the more dangerous one.  So it feels smarter and safer to assume the worst, because then I won’t be unpleasantly surprised.

That’s why virtual communication is so hard, in a nutshell.  I’m very sympathetic to arguments about convenience, commuting times, and productivity, but, as a communicator I’m keenly aware that virtual communication is an impoverished way of connecting people, rife with possibilities for misunderstanding – and assuming the worst.

Here’s how we should think about it.  Our primary form of human communication should be in person, especially when intent matters to either party.  When there are opportunities for efficiency, savings, mitigating impact on the planet, and easing the burden of travel for everyone, then we should think about using some form of virtual communication.  The richest virtual form, in terms of bandwidth, is presently video conferencing, so that’s what we should use whenever possible.  We should be clear on the risks and use mitigation tactics as needed to clear up any possible questions of intent before they corrupt the communication.

Virtual communication gives us a great deal in terms of convenience, efficiency, and minimal impact on the environment.  It’s too bad it took a pandemic to push us to start using it.  Now that the pandemic is officially over, let’s start using the channel intelligently.