Humans need humans – and in some surprising ways.  That’s the cumulative wisdom of many recent studies of our neurobiology.  One study finds, for instance, that we have an unconscious need to feel embedded in or surrounded by a broader community or communities – beyond close friends and family.  This unconscious desire is satisfied by attending concerts, ball games, and other such large group occasions. We also feel connected to the leaders of our particular society – we identify with them.  Even TV watching makes us feel part of a larger group (of fans).

Another study tracked over 5,000 people to discover that FOMO is triggered more by the smaller group of friends we follow, and that we’re OK missing out on things like the Super Bowl as long as our particular tribe of friends hasn’t gone.  But when FOMO is triggered, it’s all about missing out on the social bonding, and it is painful.

Overall, the deadliest form of human deprivation is loneliness.  It’s a powerful emotion, and it changes the brain. It activates our threat-monitoring brain centers. It means that our brains work differently than others’ brains, thus making it harder to understand each other – but it’s not clear whether that’s cause or effect.  It makes it more likely that we will bond with imaginary friends rather than real ones.  And it makes our brains shrink – and crave other people.  It causes us to daydream more about group things.  We desire calorie-rich food and drink more.  The effect of being lonely is like going without food – we have lower energy and a craving for it (Stijovic et al., 2023) And we are more likely to have a stroke(Soh et al., 2024), or die as we get old.

It makes sense, then, that ostracism is worse for us than being bullied in the workplace – the experience of isolation that comes via ostracism is the painful part.  A study of over 3,400 Americans found that 1/3 have been bullied at work.  And we all agree that’s a bad thing.  But ostracism is worse – there are more negative health consequences and we are more likely to quit the job after 3 years ((O’Reilly et al., 2014).  The sad thing is we are aware of the dangers of bullying, but think that ostracism is OK.

So we need to connect with people.  What’s the secret to accomplishing that connection ?  One of the subtler ways some people connect more effortlessly is through synchrony.  Also known as mirroring, makes us more attractive romantic partners, better students, and more likely to have friends. ((Cohen et al., 2024).

How long does it take to connect?  It takes 200 hours to make a friend, according to one study. People with better earlier friendships are happier, less lonely and less likely to suffer depression 30 years later.

So we function better when we are together. We are more likely to keep going to the gym if we do it in pairs, even though 85 percent of us prefer to go to the gym alone.  That’s a mistake.  We get willpower from our commitment to our friends, and we enjoy the gym more if we go together.

Another study found that being kind to others makes you feel better than being kind to yourself (Nelson et al., 2016). And supportive people experience less stress and more positive activity in their reward centers.  ((Inagaki et al., 2016).

And finally, if you still can’t find ways to connect, there are ways to mitigate the dangers of being alone.  One of them is finding methods to experience  a state of flow Chang et al., 2022. And, in the end, it’s less stressful to live alone if you have chosen it and build regular social opportunities into your life — that study from Germany, where 20 percent of adults live alone.