Principle VII: To master the ‘second conversation’, you must make yourself aware of your own unconscious behavior and that of others.

Our brains analyze and react to a constant stream of environmental cues 24/7 in order to keep us alive and safe.  The huge majority of that work is undertaken by our unconscious brains, and ranges from reacting to movement to sound to perceived threats of any kind, as well as checking out interesting new creatures entering our personal awareness and deciding whether they’re good to eat, to play with, or simply to acknowledge.

All of this behavior is ancient, and the system works incredibly well.  What doesn’t work so well is how we react to modern situations that look to our unconscious minds like they might be threats to our safety, but are in fact part of the world of work, or social interaction, or daily life.

Ever wonder why it can be so stressful just to walk down the streets of a large city, one with lots of human and mechanical traffic?  It’s because your unconscious brain is working overtime trying to notice and catalog everything, and decide – long before any of it reaches your conscious mind – how to react.  You may consciously be happy to be there, but your unconscious brain is on high alert.

Of course, it’s deciding that it can safely ignore lots of the images, actions, sights, smells, sounds, tastes, and touches rushing past it, but all of those decisions take energy. 

Similarly, giving a speech looks to the unconscious mind like confronting a mob.  The speaker’s body tenses, going into defense mode, ready for attack.  The exquisitely tuned unconscious minds of the audience do the same.  This communication loop takes place long before anyone is consciously aware of it, and the result is a disaster for effective speechmaking. 

Becoming aware of even some of this unconscious behavior similarly takes an enormous effort on the part of your conscious brain.  To think consciously about even a small amount of your own body language and the body language of some of the people around you is a tall order – especially if you have to be thinking and speaking about something else at the same time.

So why do it?  To be a successful communicator, you must become aware of this ‘second conversation’.  People signal their intentions, they make up their minds, and they reveal what they’re about to do through their body language long before they offer insights verbally, if they ever do.  Bodies rarely lie; words do all the time.  Bodies speak first; words follow.  Bodies are authentic; words often fail their speakers.

If you’re going to be an effective communicator, you can’t rely on words alone.  What’s more, you can’t rely on your unconscious awareness of nonverbal communications   You need to do the hard work of learning to read your own – and others’ – body language, consciously.