Lots of studies have shown that women are more modest in their self-assessments generally than men – and that this is one of the factors leading to men being promoted faster and getting more opportunities for leadership.

At the venture capital firm Kleiner Perkins, this sad state of affairs has apparently led to a lawsuit for gender discrimination. Ellen Pao, former junior partner, is suing the firm for a culture in which men hyped themselves and got ahead, while women didn’t, at least not so much.

But the detail that caught my eye in this all-too-familiar news story was that Ms. Pao apparently received coaching by the firm to help her interrupt her colleagues, so that she could survive in what was clearly an “interrupt-driven” environment.

My first reaction was that I was appalled that one of my fellow communications coaches would train anyone to interrupt – or to think that was even a good idea.

Assertiveness is one thing. Interrupting is another. Interrupting is a sign that communication has broken down.

Indeed, Ms. Pao needed training – as, apparently, does everyone at Kleiner Perkins – in the art of the non-verbal aspects of conversation. If you do it right, you can control the conversation around the table without ever interrupting – indeed, mostly without speaking.

Here’s how it works. We humans are social beings. We like to exchange views and opinions. We have evolved, and we learn at a young age, that this exchange of views and opinions is best managed through conversation.

And one of the great necessary parts of learning how to converse is learning how to signal the beginning, middle, and end of your own commentary, as well as the hand-off to the next person, and all the signs of interest in that other person’s conversation.

Here’s the surprising aspect of our conversations: We learn all those signals unconsciously, for the most part, and carry them out non-verbally.

Oversimplified, here’s how it unfolds. You look at the other person or persons you intend to address. Once you’ve got their attention, you launch into your pearls of wisdom. From time to time you check back with eye contact to ensure that they’re still listening as you continue. When you are getting close to the end, you make eye contact again, while subtly raising your eyebrows and giving other unconscious signals that you’re getting ready to hand the conversational baton on to the next person.

That person signals her readiness with a whole potential retinue of non-verbal signals from leaning forward, to raising her eyebrows in readiness, to gesturing with her hands, and so on.

When you finally pause for breath or run out of ideas, that next person is ready to go, and repeats the gestures you’ve performed as the speaker.

I’ve simplified the gestural repertoire so that I can keep this post a reasonable length. In any case, you already know these body language gestures, unless you live under a rock. You learned them as a child, or should have. And when you’re paying attention, you have no trouble following them in others and using them yourself.

But that’s the key. Too many people don’t actually pay attention to the person who’s talking – they’re too busy preparing their own remarks. Or worse, they’ve checked out and are wandering the inner recesses of their own minds or perhaps the infinite resource that is their mobile phone.

Kleiner Perkins, I fear, has a problem of culture that is more fundamental than interrupting each other. They’re not listening to each other to begin with. They need to be trained in listening and the art of good conversation.

Around a business conference table with good conversationalists, everyone takes responsibility for the success of the meeting. People bring in folks who are not contributing by politely asking for their input at appropriate moments. People listen and hear each other out, then respond. And people – someone, at least – regular sums up what’s being said. It’s what the Quakers call the sense of the meeting.

In a good conversation, everyone is heard, and all are listened to courteously. Where is Kleiner? Where is Perkins? Their names are on the door – they (or whoever is in charge) should be setting the right example.   If they were doing their jobs, this lawsuit never would have happened. Kleiner Perkins might even discover that it develops better ideas in an environment of respect and listening, where all have the chance to be heard.

How can people who don’t listen to others hear about (and evaluate) new ventures and new ideas?  Isn’t that the point?