Apparently, the Chinese character for listening is made up of other characters (or perhaps traces of characters) for the ear, the eye, and the heart. That surely suggests something vital about listening. And listening is a skill that is in desperately short supply in this era of overstimulation and information overload.
One of the worst pieces of advice in recent years came in the Malcolm Gladwell book Blink in which he described the phenomenon of ‘thin-slicing’ people when you meet them by just getting a quick gut read on them in a matter of seconds or nano-seconds and then assuming that you’ve got all you need to know. Malcolm argues that thin-slicing is a reasonably accurate way of checking someone out.
Of course, if everyone did that, none of us would ever listen to anyone again. We’d save loads of time, and we’d learn virtually nothing about the external world. It’s a recipe for global disaster from an otherwise brilliant writer.
Which brings me back to listening and that Chinese character. We don’t need to listen less, or faster; we need to listen to each other more, and more deeply. We need to hear, and appreciate, and learn, each other’s stories. If you don’t think so, ask yourself this: when are you going to start paying attention? In the next life, whatever that is?
We need to listen to each other because life is precious, and short. We need to listen to each other because despite our superficial disagreements and differences, we humans are still the best hope and the gravest danger for the planet we call home. We need to listen to each other because we need to work together in peace in order to build a better world. We need to listen to each other because lives need to be shared, we are a communal species, and isolation kills.
Please. When you listen, listen with your whole body. Use your ears, of course, but also use your eye and your heart. Listen for the facts, of course, but also listen for the underlying emotions and values of the other person. Only when you listen that carefully and deeply can you begin to understand and then communicate with another person. I don’t know if the Chinese character for listening really does include the characters for the ear, the eye, and the heart, but I do know that listening needs to include all those things. Let's start listening better to one another and maybe — just maybe — we can save this magical planet and the precious, irreplaceable people on it.
With thanks to Dr. Liane Davey for explaining the Chinese character to me.
Nick,
I love the idea of listening with your whole body. I teach improvisational theater and that is exactly what I tell my students. In improv theater you need to be aware of much more than just the words when you are building stories from scratch, but you need to be present and listen with your whole body to feel and hear what your scene partner’s intentions are, their emotional state, and what the subtext of the scene is.
This skill not only makes for much more compelling and meaningful theater, but of course translates so well to any aspect of life. Getting out of our heads, being present, and being able to understand people, and find a common ground. It has made a huge difference in my life. Thanks for the great post!
Josh — thanks so much for your great comment. I love the connection to Improv — and getting in touch with the hear and now, and especially the people in the here and now!
Hi again Nick,
This is my favorite post!!
Really listening–really paying attention–is the greatest gift, I think.
Maureen
Nick,
Thanks for this great piece.
A mentor of mine — decades ago — used to say “You can listen someone into existence.”
Chris
Nick – I am sitting in the back of a room writing this comment as I am “listening” to a series of entrepreneur pitches… I guess I could say that I am “thin slicing” the pitches… but then is it not the speaker’s job these days to understand that distraction is all around and the onus is on the speaker to find a way to engage and maintain audience interest? It is a different thing in friend relationships or love relationships – but, just because a speaker has a time slot, they don’t get an attention slot… that must be earnt.
Keep listening to friends, but “thin slice” speakers is my attitude for today ;-)
Conor — you’re having a bad day. That’s unfortunate (and I hope it gets better) but it is the responsibility of the audience to listen just as much as it is the responsibility of the speaker to grab the audience’s attention. You’re both on the hook.
nEYEce… (nice, with body language implied)
as a visual and performance, and interactive poet all my senses are wired for input before, during and after delivery of a poem. Skills which enhance my experience as a counsellor, business advisor, writer…
but mostly I hope, as a friend. thanks Nick.
Thinslicing has it’s benefits but also has it’s downsides – sometimes fatal!
Check out this story for more.
http://karnnverma.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/thinslice.png?w=660