If you are over forty and reading this blog post, you are beginning to experience –however subtly – the symptoms of cognitive decline.  What’s surprising about that sentence, perhaps, is how soon in life the decline begins.  Now, don’t be too alarmed; researchers are busy looking for cures in the form of magic pills that will roll back the inexorable deterioration of those pesky cells of which we’re all made.  In the meantime, we all know that exercise, the Mediterranean diet, and crossword puzzles will help stave off or slow down the age-related decline.

But it turns out that getting plenty of exercise, and eating right, are not the most potent magic when it comes to combatting dementia.  They are important, and of course they help with everything else, but for mental decline there is one activity that is more important, according to a new study.  And it is perhaps surprising.

Having someone to listen to you gives you a brain that looks 4 years younger from age forty onwards.  And think of how precious those 4 years might be – time to start a family, launch a career, write and publish a book, or welcome a grandchild into the world and watch her learn to walk.

What’s fascinating about this research to me is that it doesn’t involve the subject as much as it does the person who is listening to the subject.  That’s the tricky part, isn’t it – finding someone to listen to all those aging minds.  Most of the time, researchers are busy finding out the personal habits, diets, and medicines that will prolong life, not looking around the subject to see how other people might add or subtract from their lives.

If the pandemic has taught us anything about humanity, it has surely taught us that people suffer in isolation.  Of course, there are exceptions, introverts who thrive on solitude, but most of us, even most introverts, do better when there are other people around at key moments to share our victories and defeats, our hilarious moments, and the tragic ones.

Humans are a communal species.

We don’t typically think this way about ourselves.  Our interdependency makes us uncomfortable, in some ways, and we spend a lot of time in trying to inculcate individual responsibility in (especially) our children as they grow, if we are good parents.  One of the dominate social philosophies in the United States is still that of the lone cowboy taking care of himself on the open range, rather than the office worker looking out for her office mates in the city.

But nonetheless, we are a communal species, and living in isolation is hard for us.  Video conferencing doesn’t do enough to provide us with a sense of connection, but it’s better than nothing.  So even as the pandemic finally begins to end, and all the talk is of our hybrid future, let’s remember something essential:  none of the technological stopgaps we have developed so far replace an in-person conversation with another human being.

People want to be seen and feel heard.  They want their existence to be acknowledged.  They want to feel connected to other people.  In fact, the research shows us that it’s an urgent human need – one that, if left unsatisfied, leads to a more rapid mental decline.  It’s why virtual communications should never try to replace in-person connections entirely.  And it’s why public speaking in large meeting spaces with lots of interaction with the audience is such a vital form of human activity.  The speaker can make her audience feel acknowledged, seen and heard if she is willing to do the work.  And the standing ovation an audience that has experienced connection gives back to the speaker at the end of a talk is a beautiful way to embody that real connection.

If you’re a speaker, then hang in there.  Your work is important, audiences need you, and in-person meetings will return.  In the meantime, if you know of someone who needs a listening ear, then provide it.  You will be saving a life.